Unconnected

So at this point i don't know if this will make its way to my blog or just as a journal entry in my personal journal but here goes!

What do you do when you just no longer feel connected? Its been a rough year for me emotionally and physically and they're tied in together. This year has been rough on Paul and I due to my job. Im going to leave out the long drawn out details on this as I don't want a single part of it to be misconstrued.

Things were rough for me at my job this year as I learned to see the other side of people. My job was indirectly threatened this year, I was threatened to be sent through my companies correctional program a few times, one of my closest friends lost their job, I saw favoritism take place as my views and opinions were overlooked and ignored, and even though it is untrue I was told that my team didn't like me.

This constant bombardment on my emotional state has affected me in other ways. I lost the umpf I had when I started my diet journey and out of the 170 pounds I have lost about 60 have returned. I know what I need to do to get back on track but it just seems I lack the dedication and/or motivation to make it happen. I've made plans for what I'm going to do to get back on track. I picked up a new diet journal and set a start date for me with the diet, which may now be modified with being sent back on the road for an assignment, and plan on getting back in the gym. I just need to make it happen.

I even seem to have lost interest in the holidays that once excited me. I didn't put out one single Halloween decoration this year and Im not sure what I think about Christmas just yet. I totally stopped doing my youtube videos and even go through periods where I just don't want to do a single thing with my blog.

And the one thing affecting me that has totally taken me by surprise is all the LGBT youth that have taken their lives due to gay bullying. Can you imagine taking your own life because you are told time and time again that you are wrong for existing!?!?!?! Its so sad! But at the same time it saddens me on another level because it makes me think more how a growing portion of this world doesn't want me in it simply because I am honest with myself. Now don't worry I have no intention of bringing any self inflicted harm to myself. Its just something suddenly Im having issues with. Imagine daily seeing stories saying that someone was beat up because they have blue eyes or the love between brunets is not valid and undeserving of marrying rights or blonds have no right trying to adopt a child or be a parent.

There was a story recently about a Arkansas school board member who posted numerous hateful statements on his facebook account after Spirit day. Spirit day for those of you that don't know was October 21st and was a day where people were encouraged to wear purple in honor of the numerous LGBT youth who had taken their lives and to raise awareness of the bullying behaviors that contributed to their taking of their own lives. But I digress. This school board member stated that the only way he would wear purple is if all queers committed suicide. He then proceeded to state how he enjoyed that most give each other aids and die. I think it was eventually a senior that reported him. Eventually he apologized for his statements and resigned from his position, which I think is funny because word of that came just hours after Anderson Cooper supposedly ripped him a new one. But still, can you imagine living a life where you are constantly faced with people like this who would be happy with your death simply because you exist?!

But back to my original statement! Just what do you do when you feel your level of connection with things just isn't there any more?


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